It isn’t always what it seems to be

I am going through a rough patch in my life right now. Trying to find my place in this crazy world. I feel close enough to my friends on here to post a little about it. Things have just been hard with my family and having them not accept me and my choices in life (not about the spanking). Feeling like a failure and trying to find myself. It has been two years since I came out and I still struggle with the feelings that come with knowing I am different. Sure, some days it feels great and I love it, but others, I just can’t not think of all the could have beens if I wasn’t gay. But I am and RADICAL ACCEPTANCE is huge. There are so many things that I have to accept to keep going and that is one of the many. I have to accept the fact that my mother thinks I am a failure, that she hates my father, that grad school was too difficult for me to finish so I left it, that I am 24 and still don’t have a “real career” That I might not have kids (I wanted them so much for so long and then lost the desire one day) that I may not find the woman of my dreams, that I may never find a town to live in that makes me feel happy, that people will always leave me cause they do. No matter how close you get to someone, there is always the chance that they too will leave and that sadness and inner torment can screw with all possible relationships. Accepting the pain and hurt that we go through in life is hard. I am not saying I have had a hard life or horrible childhood. My parents loved me, I had friends, went to public schools, took dance classes, all that…but I have always had down thoughts and feelings. Being part of this spanking world has helped me tremendously like one could never ever know. It makes me feel safe and like I have a place in the world. I have people like David Pierson, Pixie Amber Wells, Abigail Whitaker, Audrey Knight, Miss Chris, Jenni Mac and Chris and Sasha and others whom I have met through my spanking endeavors to call when I get to a hard place and I feel like stopping and jumping off the rollercoaster I am on in my life. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, thanks to those who care for me enough to offer themselves as my friend in my times of darkness. I can’t express how much it means to me to have you all there for me when no one else is. Stuff just sucks right now and it will get better, but it is the waiting and the stress in the meantime that is killing me.

28 thoughts on “It isn’t always what it seems to be

  1. xyztlt

    You are a very nice girl, I don´t meet you but I think I can say it. It´s normal you need acceptance of each others and I know it´s hard to feel your parents don´t accept you entirely….but I think you have to realize you are a great person. I realize it and I don´t meet you!!

    Sorry for my bad english, I´m spanish.

  2. tim salisbury

    sarah we spankos love you and your spankee adventures you may feel this way with winter cold days etc.but you cheer us up please keep posting and remember dear girl we love you xxxxx from tim.

  3. maddo

    Hey Sarah
    life is not fun sometimes! knowing that it will turn around usually only helps after it has started to! but I believe you will find your answers sooner or later and there is no doubt that someone whom everyone says is not only beautiful but very sweet-natured as well has a special place both inside and outside the spanking community.There will be someone special for you out there too.Keep the faith and know that your friends and fans love you not only for what you share with us but for who you are as well. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.xo
    love John

  4. J

    I know how you feel.

    12 months ago I was at my lowest point. I didn’t like my job, I hardly had a social life anymore, I felt restless and stressed out all the time. Life was moving on but I was stuck on the sidelines. But then again, what did I expect? I’d made the wrong choices and now I’d missed my chance. I was washed up at 23.

    It wasn’t the first time I’d felt down but before I’d always had something to hang on to before; “Someday, I’ll leave this town.”, “Things will be better when I go to college”, “Once this last exam is done I can relax.”.

    This time though, I had nothing. My life stretched out in front of my eyes, one long lonely procession to the end. I couldn’t face that, it was the scariest thought of all. So I did something about it, something I was always scared to do before: I asked for help.

    12 months on and it was the greatest decision I ever made, I got my life back and even better, I got myself back.

    Tomorrow I’m getting on a plane and moving to a foreign country, I don’t have a job lined up and I only know one person there but I’m not nervous at all, just excited. I can’t wait to go out there and meet new people and try new things. Maybe it won’t work out but so what? I gave it a shot.

    A year ago I’d never have believed I could do that.

    I guess the point of my ramblings is that you are not alone and there is a place for everyone in the world, even unemployed gay grad-school dropouts! 🙂
    You just might need some help to find it, so don’t be afraid to ask. You can change things if you want to and you don’t have to do it alone.

    Hope this helped somehow.


    ps I turned 24 a few weeks ago
    pps email address is there if you want it

  5. Phil

    Get a grip. You are an attractive and intelligent woman and most importantly you are young. At one time or another everyone’s life sucks so there is nothing special about that, especially when you are 24 years old. Its been a long time since I was tyour age so I have had lots of time to learn life is a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you are going up and sometimes you are going down but barring any catastrophic events it all evens out in the end.

    What I have learned is that the most important thing is finding someone who is everything to you. It ain’t easy but my oh my it is worth it.

    As far as your sexuality is concerned that which you are you are so since it is what it is don’t worry about something you have no power to change.

    While I love watching you and your colleagues spanking and being spanked that isn’t a career. Find something you really, really like to do and do it. Maybe you will succeed or maybe you won’t. What matters is that at the end of the day you will have known you gave it your best shot.

    So buck up you lady and stop whining before I turn you over my knee for a good spanking, which I would really, really like to do; not for your own good but because I am a dirty old man!

    So good luck and don’t let the bastards get you down.

  6. Pixie

    Oh sweetie! I’m so sorry that things are so tough right now. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug in the hopes of you feeling a little less alone. Give me a shout anytime if you need an ear.

  7. AK

    Hi Sarah
    I first saw you on PB and thought there is one
    beautiful and talented young lady.
    I am sorry you are feeling down but life gets
    better as you go along and I am sure everything
    will work out for you. Sarah just hang in there and know that you are loved and admired by
    more people than you know.
    Take care,love AK

  8. Jon

    While I can’t totally know what your going through I can sympathize with you since I have been through a really dark spot recently my self. I just tell my self that no matter what you just need to hang in there because tomorrow might be better. Even though that sounds like really dumb to have blind optimism but the reality is that it might get better. Ya never know when your going to find a cute little honey, find a career ambition and adopt a China baby. The gay guy who sits across from me at work tells me they are becoming the new Chihuahua out here in San Fran. Anyway, I guess my point was don’t sweat it and if you do and want to drop me a line feel free to do so I’m happy to help anytime, even if it’s just as a sounding board.

  9. Professor Moriarty

    I hope I don’t sound patronizing, but everything you say sounds like things that came out of my mouth when I was 24. It’s a rough time of life when you’re shaking off the last vestiges of childhood reliance on parental authority and moving in to independent adulthood. I don’t know if life ever gets any easier (every age has its challenges), but I think most people suffer angst about their career (you’re SUPPOSED to be struggling when you’re 24) and their relationship when their parents (who are suffering their own problems over the changes in your relationship). My experience was that (with the support of friends and the growing belief in one’s own self-worth) that these problems ultimately do work through themselves. Just remember John Lennon’s immortal words: “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

  10. Anne

    I’ve stopped by your blog a few times now but I’ve never posted anything since I’m pretty shy.

    I did want to tell you that I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling down. I think it takes more strength to realize that grad school wasn’t working for you and leaving rather than trying to push through to make others happy. The same thing is true with your sexuality – I don’t envy anyone that is born gay in our society. It shouldn’t be so hard for people to accept that sexuality is genetically determined and just move on.

    One last thing – I know it sounds really silly, but a close friend told me this when I was going through a very difficult life event:
    Try to remember that everything you’re experiencing is just that – an experience. All experiences will pass and you’ll still be there. You are more than your experiences.

  11. Steve C.

    Sweet, Sincere people such as yourself will succeed in the long run so you just keep doing what you are doing…we can’t be loved by everyone in the world…but you are loved by many and that’s the next best thing so just hang in there! If not for you, then for the rest of us! We all want you to succeed! Your happiness is our happiness! One day Mom will come around too, you’ll see.

  12. Fuzzy Duck

    Hi Sarah

    Sorry to hear things are a bit rough for you, I myself had a similar experience about three years ago. I was fed up with my Job in which there were no real prospects for a career, my relationship was not good and altogether I felt really down. I found one way that really helped was to write down my feelings and experiences, even if you are not prepared to share them with anyone else sometimes to put things on paper really helps you put things in perspective. I started a diary and used it to help focus each day by tackling the things that were making me sad and getting me down head.

    Now my life has changed around I am running my own business, am engaged to be married and am really enjoying life if things are just a bit hectic. This approach may not work for everyone but it certainly worked for me.

    Hope this help

    all the best


  13. Mark


    I also think of all the “could have beens” if you weren’t gay. ( It’s hard not to think about those when gazing at your unclothed body, especially when you’re being spanked. My (male) palm just itches. ) But we are what we are. We can (and hopefully do) stretch and push ourselves, expand our boundaries, becoming more than what we were, but in most cases we can’t change who we fundamentally are.

    Some of the most interesting people that I know still don’t know what they are going to be when they grow up. After all, it’s only been 40 years. There is more exploration to be done.

    Unfortunately, pain is a part of life. You can reduce the likelihood that you will be hurt by isolating yourself and building walls, but in so doing, you also shield yourself from joy.

    If you have always had down thoughts and feelings, you could have a chemical imbalance. I too have been depressed for much of my life, my father hates my mother, and it made me feel inadequate to think that I needed medication to have a “normal” mental state. But after it occurred to me that I should no more be annoyed at the need to take depression/anxiety medication than a diabetic should to take insulin. For me, the drugs have helped put things on a more even keel.. So, I’d encourage you to talk with your Dr. if the feelings have been around for awhile.

    Lastly, One of my friends has a sig at the end of his email” “He’s not a failure. He’s not dead yet” . At long at you’re alive, there is time to change your circumstances.

    Take care and know that many care about you.


  14. Chloe

    ((((hugs))))) i know life sucks right now, but it can only get better from here, right? you are not a failure!! you have a lot of people who love, support and accept you no matter what!! xoxoxo, chloe

  15. Audrey

    Aww Beautiful! Don’t be sad. And screw all the people who make light of your problems. I wish you could see yourself from everyone else’s eyes. Nobody thinks you’re a failure. You are amazingly gifted, beautiful, tender, a little ray of sunshine in a sometimes dark and cruel world. Wish I could give you a great big hug right now and a nice theraputic spanking. Will you take a rain check?



  16. T

    Sarah – sorry to hear times are rough for you right now. My image of you will always be the little elf with her friend Abi. You have so many assets educated, singing, acting etc etc no wonder you haven’t decided on a career with all the possabilities to consider and explore. When you get down remember all the friends you know and those such as I that you don’t know who are pulling for you to achieve the goals you set for yourself as opposed to those society would set. Take care of yourself and no drugs, no cigarettes and alchohol in moderation. You are in my thoughts

  17. Dr. Ken

    Dear Sarah,
    Would a failure have 16 (now 17) people–many of whom she’s never even met–tell her that they love her just the way she is? I don’t think so!
    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve hit a rough patch–life, unfortunately, is filled with those. It’s what you do when you encounter them that goes a long way toward making you what you will be in the future. It’s a hard struggle to get through, but when you do, you come out the other side better and stronger.
    My own rough patch came 8 years ago when the lady I loved and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with died of a heart attack. Suddenly being without her was the lowest moment of my life. Yet here I am at 57, eight years later, still going strong and hoping that one day I’ll be able to recapture the magic with someone else. I haven’t found her yet, but I keep on looking.
    And you have to keep on, too. You are who you are–you can’t be anyone else. The choices you make in life have to be the choices that are best for YOU–“to thine own self be true.” If others can’t accept the real you–it’s truly their loss, because you have so much to give, so much to offer just the way you are.
    Trust me, everyone here would hug you if they could and tell you to hang in there, that life is tough sometimes but it can and does get better. Everyone here would lovingly put your over their knee and paddle your bottom if they thought it would help.
    You have so many friends, you don’t even realize it. 🙂 We all wish we were just a phone call away in order to be there for you and lend support.
    For now, a comment will have to do.

    Hugs and spanks,
    Dr. Ken

  18. Abigail Whittaker

    I will see you soon, babe. And I’m going to do all I can to make you realize how special you are and how you deserve to be treated! I can’t wait to see you and thanks for all you’ve been to me lately.

    Just know there are people out there (especially me) who smile when they think of you. You possess a gorgeous mind, a selfless heart, and an exquisite soul…

    I can’t wait to see the day when you full realize and believe it!

    Love ya.

  19. Curt

    I’m another “long-time fan, first-time writer.” I’ve never posted on a blog before, but was moved by your last post. I’m not gay, but have friends and family who are, so I have some idea of what you’re going through with that. On the other hand, I know depression and low self-esteem from up close and personnel.

    Know that it’s not your fault. It’s a disease, like a cold or the flu. You can’t help coming down with it. And treatment is available. Both meds and therapy can help, although finding the right therapist is an art in itself. So get help. You don’t want to end up like me, at age 52, finally getting over a horrible condition that started when I was 12.

    Once you’re healthy, you’ll be better able to make career decisions (counselors are available for that, too). Meanwhile, there are other things that can give meaning to life, such as your wealth of friends and admirers. Do you have any interest in spirituality? (I don’t mean religion.) It helped me find meaning and purpose.

    Anyway, add me to your list of supporters. I’ve had a spanko crush on you for awhile, now, although I’m married and old enough to be your dad. If I find you luscious and desirable, there must be hundreds of loving, supportive lesbians who’d be thrilled to get to know you. And if you’d like to email me, I’d be happy to hear from you.


  20. Kelly

    Hey Sarah,
    Sweetie it’ll get better I promise. I’m bisexual and also just recently came out to my family, who while they try to be accepting, generally fail. “Just don’t embarass your family” as my mother put it once. But mom’s suck. lol. And they are our mothers so we have to love them, but I’ve kinda come to realize that they’re not always right. So I can promise you that your mother is Dead wrong if she says your a failure. Just like mine is wrong when she says hurtful things.

    I’ve been a fan of yours for a while, and while spanking is clearly not really a career, the name you have made for yourself in this world is clearly something to be very proud of.

    And yeah, I’m 19, and I’m trying to figure out what the hell I want to do when I’m done with school, and it’s overwhelming sometimes. But I don’t think we’re really supposed to know. So don’t feel bad sweetie, b/c in the end, whatever ends up happening, it’ll all work out for the best.

    I hope you feel better soon. Patches of melancholy suck when they hit, but they do go away. I promise.


  21. LordHardHand


    Sorry to hear that things are not going well for you right now. I know I’ll be repeating what others have said but it’s true… it will get better. I’m not gay, but as a spanker I just come out and tell people I was/am a spanker.

    You’re not a failure, you’ve done more in two years than most of use have done in 40 or 50 (darn I’m revealing my age… LOL!). There are going to be those ups and downs in your life where you’ll feel the same way again, it doesn’t matter what you do in life, but you’re not. Just look at your accomplishments and you’ll see great things. If you’re a failure I don’t know I people like me should be called then… at 50 I’m not married, no kids, don’t own a home, have my own business but it really never picked up as it should have, after 20 yrs. Failure, comes to mind once in a while, but then I remember I”ve been my own boss for the past 20+ yrs.

    Get up and keep on trucking or I’ll also put you over my knee and spank you. You have another friend that will be here for you if you need an ear to listen, for real.

  22. Gord

    Hi Sarah…

    Like many people, this is the first comment I have posted, although I have enjoyed your website for a long time.

    I have a niece, who is your age, and is gay.. although she has not officially come out yet. Se is still the wonderful person she always was, and always will be, regardless of her orientation. She worked in menial jobs for awhile after University , and now has her dream job.

    I am MUCH older than you ( ha ha)… but I can relate to how you feel loved in the spanking world. I had an alcoholic, abusive stepfather, and have had to deal with all that went with that. I don’t know if that was what made me a spanking enthusiast, but… I too have felt more alive, and part of a real community… by being such. I have spanked, and been spanked, and always feel better after a session.

    When I can’t get a session, I have videos to watch… and actually have all you have been in with Punished Brats, Shadow Lane, and Chelsea Pfeiffer. You have no idea ( or maybe you do) how much pleasure you bring to people like myself, and I hope that gives you some comfort when you’re feeling blue.

    In closing, just remember, “This too shall pass”.

    Take care, Gord.

  23. Martin

    Hi Sarah
    This book could be helpful to you to find a solution. Belief me:
    How to Stop Worrying and Start Living
    This is a book by Dale Carnegie
    (S.B.N. 437 95083 2).
    May I remind you that there are friends for you,
    so don’t give up.
    Sorry for my bad english too.

  24. tim salisbury

    sarah hope you are feeling better now ,all your spanko friends have posted love to you and are waiting to see you otk of another girlhaving spanks we allenjoy .please post again soo nwe are looking forwardto that love from timmy.

  25. nooch

    Hi Sarah,
    As a teacher and a big fan of yours, I couldn’t help but write a little response to your blog…YOU are in control of your life, YOU know what will make you happy and YOU are old enough to know the difference between what makes you happy and what will make others happy…GET OVER IT!! You have full use of all of your limbs, you are smart and pretty, you have people who love you for who you are, and you have people who don’t even know you that are concerned enough to say – “GET OVER IT!! ..Maybe you have been spanked by too many GIRLS, and maybe you need a real one from a strong man – a “father figure” or “authority figure” that can set you on the path to happiness. It doesn’t matter if you are gay, or if you have doubts about your career, or even what your mother says – YOU are in complete control of your life and you have so much power and potential within you…As the Good Witch said to Dorothy – “You had the power within you all the time – you had to recognize it to be able to use it…” (A little *wink* to the costumed Pixie =)…If you want that spanking, I’m here for you… BIG HUGGG

  26. Dr Marks

    Angels that come to this planet don’t fit in very well at first. Over time, they fall to Earth or they fly to great heights.

    Dust off your wings! Get your halo on straight and start all over again. There are earthlings that will embrace your goodness and welcome you. Your uniqueness are the rocks on your road to nirvana. If it takes hard work and inner strength to climb the latter out of darkness into the light then we best make a place in the Land of Happiness for you.

    There are angels among us and behold we have found one!!!!!

    Counting the days till we meet in the city. I hope you naughty girls don’t try to peek whats in the presents.

    Sunny California is waiting for you and Aby to arrive. We have paved the streets with straps and Mr. Hairbrush is ready and waiting.

    Aby, Sassy J, Miss Audrey and of course Daddy

  27. Michael F

    Hey you, you are a great person and friend ! You have great qualities, things will get better , i want you to believe in yourself more , you have a way of making people feel good about themselves ( i should know ) . Remember this , ” Greater is he , that is in you , than he , that is in this world ” . Love You .


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